Locked in reality

It's finals weeks and I've done a whole lot of not studying today. Yay! lol. I have a final tomorrow morning that I should probably study for at some point, and a bunch of housekeeping shit that has to happen before I go home tomorrow. But I've spent the whole day crocheting, watching TV and researching JET and other programs for teaching in Japan. So I've been productive in my procrastination? Huh? lol. In case it isn't coming across I'm not so stressed at all, which while probably change in a few hours, but what can I do, right? Well, not procrastinating would probably help, but I'm not ready to do that. Maybe I'll pump my music and try to knock some chores out. Or maybe not... lol. I'm mostly fine with being a lazy bitch for the next couple hours.

I'm feeling especially disjointed and pathetic right now. It's like nothing is going right, and I can't muster up the motivation to do something about it. All I can do is bare minimum and hope it all works out. Not a fun feeling, I can tell you. Rent is in late for my apartment at school, and the office I need to contact about it isn't picking up the phone. I've called them four times over just as many ours, and nothing. Just voicemail. Fantastic. And my room is a mess and it's royally pissing me off, but I can't muster up the motivation to actually clean it. How counterproductive is that? And now I have to start packing soon and my computer is being a bitch.

I feel like I should start new or something. New things. New place. New life. I hate being the same place too long. My mom thinks it's because I don't have any really good friends, which makes sense. I have a hard time making friends, and I never know what to say around people who aren't my friends. I was told my some people yesterday that I don't come off as socially awkward, which is nice, but then I just come off as shy? I didn't think I was shy, but I guess I am. I've been getting more introverted over the years. Maybe it's because I don't have any good friends? Might be something to look into. And get more friends. Problem is, I tend to connect with people who don't do things with friends all the time, so I end up organizing things. And then I get sick of it since it feels like I'm doing all the work, so I stop and they don't pick up the slack. Maybe I should communicate that better? Or maybe they just have better, closer, friends who do these things.

Well, gotta get going. Gotta mail that rent check.

OMG! I'm down 4.9 lbs since Monday! I can't wait until Friday. It will be amazing to see what tomorrow brings in weight loss. I love seeing the number go down every day. I know these big loses are only temporary, but its still amazing! I still have over 400 cals for tonight, so I think I'm gonna have a snack before bed. Crackers and hummus, probably. That should be a little under 200 more cals, and should fill be up for tonight. Then bed and tomorrow I get to weigh myself again!

Weighed myself this morning. 195.9! I know, sounds huge. It sounds huge to me, but on Monday I was 199.0. I lost 4 pounds in 2 days! Just had a mini-binge on Special K, but the stuff is so low cal anyway, it doesn't really matter. I just wish I'd measured it, so I know exactly how much I ate. Oh well. I haven't really done much in the workout vein int he past few days. Eating has been going so well and I don't want to jinx that, you know?

My room is looking a lot better. I'm not completely unpacked yet, but I'm getting there. I think I'm going to work on it for a bit before I go to work today. Slowly but surely, this room will be fit to have company. I hate having to bring people into my room for whatever reason, and have to apologize for how it looks.

Weighed in at 199 today. Not good, but not a surprise. The floor in my new room is carpet, but it's the hard industrial stuff that has no give and is basically jut a hard floor except it tends to smell. I'm gonna use a floor cleaner on it as soon as I get everything unpacked. But anyway, I plan to weigh myself almost every day, and TRACK! I have to switch back to LoseIt because it's the only one I know of that doesn't require and internet connection, and my new room doesn't have wireless, just Ethernet. Whatever. No biggie.

So I'm gonna go out and see if I can find workout bottoms at Ross that will be good for work, and try to find a trash and recycling bin at the dollar store. And then if I have time I'll go to the Comcast store and see if I can't get my cable working!

A lot has happened in the past few days. I was betrayed by someone who I thought was my friend. But apparently she only sees me as a person to boss around and project her own problems onto. Oh well. She's a bitch and not worth it. What really hurt is that she brought up my vlog on YouTube. It's not like I didn't use my email that I usually use or something. It's completely traceable. I still feel betrayed that she saw it. That's supposed to be my non-sorority zone, where people don't judge me. Yes, I know the internet is not a safe and secure place. Nothing is private. I even checked to make sure I used my other email address on this account. Just to be sure... Not that I bitch about people all the time or anything. At least not by name. And it's venting anyway, so whatever.

Finals are over. I think i gained a few pounds from stress eating. And boredom eating. And emotional eating. And habit eating. Or my jeans could just be tight because I washed them last night. lol.

Tomorrow marks the start of when I will be feeding myself for the summer. Of course I'm also going on a camping trip this weekend with the parents, so I won't have complete control over food with them. But I need to get over this. Many, many people don't have problems with overeating. Many others do. I want to move myself from that second category to the first. Somehow.

Oh, I forgot to post from earlier. I lot .8 from yesterday! Yay!

I'm really tired and I don't want to go to the gym tonight. I also have to study. So I'll stay in and maybe do a mini workout. Plus I only have like 150 cals left for the day, and I'd prefer not to work out at this point because it will make me hungry. My deal with myself is that I'll kept drinking water and tea tonight and get really hydrated for tomorrow.

So now I feel bloated. Part of it is that i ate a little too much for dinner. And then I drank a glass of water. But it also means I wont eat anytime soon. I'm thinking I'll have an orange and a 90 cal bag of popcorn later for a snack. Not during Dirty Little Liars. I'll wait until later.

My roommate is playing good music right now. She's moving out tomorrow. Then I move out Friday. Guess things always have to change. It also means finals will be over soon. lol. Yay!

So I hot my first hater message in YouTube... I'm not sure if that's the way way it was supposed to come off, but that's the way I took it. I and told myself to forget it and everything, but I can't. I don't want to respond in a video, because I don't want to writer to get the satisfaction of knowing they got to me. I don't really adverize this journal on YouTube, so unless the found me from here, it's pretty much safe to say they won't see it. I wish I hadn't deleted it, because I really want to respond to it now. But I remember basically what each point said....

1) If your trying to lose weight, why would you keep bad food downstairs in the fridge?

A) Well, there is bad food, and there is "bad food". Clearly there are plenty of healthy foods that you just shouldn't eat in excess. However, being an emotional over eater, I tend to do just that. Think about oil when baking or something of the like. Healthy, but not in excess. Or how about sweet potatoes? way healthy, but the calories can add up fast. Realistically, yes, I probably will keep some actual unhealthy stuff in the fridge, but if you actually went back and looked at my videos, you'd see that I have been struggling with this for over a year. 8 years to be exact. I've tried not eating sugary stuff and fried stuff completely, and it always turns into either a binge when I finally start eating it again, or overeating other stuff. I way not know exactly what I should eat to lose weight, but I do know how my mind and body works. And I need a buffer between stuff like fruit (which I will be keeping in my fridge in my room) and leftovers from last night (which will be 3 floors downstairs in the kitchen fridge).

2) "For the love of god", edit out all of the awkward pauses and points. It might make you seem marginally more sane.

A) It's a vlog, not a masterpiece, duh. If I were vlogging about beauty of celebrities or something like that, it would be appropriate to edit out those pauses. But I'm vlogging about me! And those pauses are what make me, me. As far as the sanity point goes, I thought it was relatively obvious that I wasn't sane. What entirely sane person would be an emotional over-eater. But then, what sane person would do anything else "bad" for them. Everyone has vices, and the fact that I'm trying to work through mine has nothing to do with you. Through your pokes as me make me think your just as insane as I am, or maybe more so.

3) I hope you don't move into my Faternity.

A) Um, as long as your not there over the summer, I don't really care either way. The whole thing makes sense now, though. Your just an insecure, stereotypical fraternity guy whose continual binge drinking hadn't been able to cover up his insecurities, so now he has to go pick on others. And why would you care anyway? It's not like I'm going to wreck the house or anything....

I still don't want to do homework. lol. But I have a final tomorrow so I should probably get started. 2 more days and it will all be over, assuming I turn in my take home final on Wednesday like I'm planning. If not it will be over Thursday morning. Oh well. No worried, well, too much anyway. I don't even care about this test. I get one page of notes, so I guess I'll spend a bit of time making that and then I'll get some sleep. I promised myself I would not be sleep deprived this week. Apart from making me miserable, it's totally bad for weight loss.

Speaking of weight loss, I did already eating today. Not amazing, but not terrible. I ate a little over 1800 cals, I think. Luckily I exercised enough to still have a deficit of a little over 600 cals. Oh weight, I forgot to log that cookie. Oh well. Deficit of 500 cals after all.

*Goes an adds cookie*

Ok, so it was only 50 cals. Not too bad. And I still have over a 600 cal deficit. I guess I was closer to 700 cal deficit.

It's just so discouraging that with all I've done today, working my ass off at the gym and limiting my food intake, that I'm still only at the number of calories needed for 1 pound of weight loss a week, and that's only if I do well the rest of the week. I can weigh myself starting every day on Saturday because I'll have my own room. Well, at least I think it has a hard wood or pergo floor. Something solid. I think I'd remember if it was carpet, but who knows. lol. I might just have to weigh myself tomorrow to see if anything changes. I need the motivation. I really want to eat right now. I'd even be fine with more strawberries or a banana or something, but I will lose wight. I will. Even if I have to feel miserable right now.

I just had a glass of water. Now I think I'll go down and make some tea. Then I'll start writing up my sheet of notes I'm allowed for my test tomorrow and doing a little more cleaning. Then bed. Tomorrow should be better, right?

Oh, quickly, before I go. I found out that a summer membership to the campus gym is only $65! (I'm not taking classes over the summer, so it's not included in my non-existent school fees...) I thought it was over $100 and I couldn't afford that. But I can do $65. Having a nice, air conditioned place to work out will be amazing!

Ok, that's really it for now.
Goodnight!

Since I'm starting new, I thought I should post the weight ticker again.