Locked in reality

Ok, so my boyfriend got on and we've been talking for a little while. It wasn't bad at all.

Sort of.

Be basically said that he wanted to say something to me, but he was scared. And then he said he was pretty sure I knew what he wanted to say. If it wasn't clear already, it is now.

The problem is, I don't feel like I can say it back...

I do care a lot for him, but I don't know if I'm in love with him. What do I say when it actually comes up? I feel like I should explain where I am, but even saying that seems like it would be letting him down, and I don't want to do that.

But I mean, we've only known each other for a month, and have been dating for three weeks.

I'd be lying if I said I haven't been kinda fantasizing about a long term relationship, but that's what girls do, right? At least I haven't been picking out a wedding gown or planing "the" wedding. I'm not that over excitable.

We have a date for most of Saturday and I'm not going to see him until then, so I have a couple of days to think about this and figure out a game plan. We're going to be spending time with his parents a lot of the day (a lovely side effect of him being grounded. At least he's allowed out of the house to see me at all) so we probably won't have all that much alone time.

I need to stop worrying about this! If he really does love me, he'll respect that after ONE MONTH I'm not there right now, but I do care about him a lot. That's it. I'll just tell him that and he'll understand. Right?

Oh god, I'm a mess. Over a boy. Girls usually dream of the day a guy tell them he loves her, and I'm trying to figure out how to handle the whole situation without breaking his heart.

Not that I'm mad at him. I mean, he does love me after all....

Part of me feels like my life is great, and part of me feels like it's falling apart. How can both be true at the same time? Maybe it's because I am afraid of rejection. I mean, I know I am, but now something comes up and that's the first thing that jumps into my head. I feel completely pathetic about it.

So what happened? It's a small thing, really. I've been going out with the guy for a month or so now, and we talk on IM a lot. So tonight while I was offline he posted

(8:21:04 PM):[Offline IM sent 1h and 49m ago] i miss you steph....

(8:21:10 PM):[Offline IM sent 1h and 49m ago] i thought you would be on......

(8:45:18 PM):[Offline IM sent 1h and 25m ago] i'm gonna be off for an hour, watching a show with my parents, but i'll be back on at ten at least for a little bit

(8:45:47 PM):[Offline IM sent 1h and 25m ago] i want to talk to you about something then, so hopefully you will be on

So despite the whole "I miss you" thing, my mind immediately jumps to "whats wrong? does he not like me? Does he have a problem with me? I'm not sure if I want to know..." Ah! And I know it's stupid. Other then my overactive imagination and those IMs, there is nothing to suggest that something is wrong. So why am I freaking out? Is it just what girls do?

So Monday I'm going to start running and the 100 push up plan. Today I'm going to get new workout shoes, and hopefully some new workout gear as well. (Long sweatpants aren't ideal for running.) I anticipate my main problem in all of this as being the act of actually getting into a routine. I like spending my days doing whatever and talking to people online, but I also feel unproductive. So starting tomorrow I think I'm going to work out a schedule of sorts as I'll get some stuff done.

Boys are confusing. I guess I should start calling them men. But they're still confusing.

184.6. That's a loss, but I don't remember exactly how much. lol. Probably around 1.5 or something. I don't feel like looking. But considering I had a mini-binge last night right before I slept and I'm less then 24 hours into my period I think it's good. This week I weigh in on Sunday for my last stretch challenge weigh in, and then it's back to just Wednesdays. I just can't put loads of efforts into weight loss right now. I hate it that way, but I'll figure something out.

I just don't feel like working out. So I don't think I will this morning. I'll start running next week. I have to walk to my babysitting job four days a week and the hills are still kicking my ass! I don't think I can kick it up from there from a little bit. I forgot how brutal hills were while I was at school. When you don't live around hills you just don't think about them as much.

On a different note, I'm really excited to see what I weigh tomorrow. I still need to unpack my scale before then. I haven't been trying not cut calories, really, but I've been eating a lot of fruit and haven't been stuffing myself or anything, so I expect to be down. I hope. I've been bouncing around the same area for so long that I don't even know what my body is going to do anymore. Oh well. I guess I'll find out tomorrow. At least I'm not eating sugary stuff or desserts anymore. Instead I have fruit which is a small fraction of the calories I would have gotten from ice cream or something like that.

I need to stop mulling over stuff and get to work! My room is still a mess and I have so many boxes int he garage that I need to unpack. So, breakfast, then unpacking and cleaning. I can't wait until I get through all of this and get the futon moved up to my room. I'm gonna have an awesome hangout!

Crazy last few days!

First I got sick, then I moved out of the dorms and now I have boxes everywhere! Just gotta keep going. It looks like I'm going to be babysitting this summer for work and walking to most of my jobs. On top of that I'm going to start running. Starting tomorrow morning. It was supposed to happen this morning, but didn't. Oh well. I'm doing a plan from RunnersWorld.com, so I'll just do Monday's workout on Tuesday. Sound good? Good.

I've also noticed myself going to fruit. I won't pretend I don't overeat at all, but when I do it's usually watermelon or cherries. Just three weeks ago it would have been ice cream and cookies. Go me!

I've let myself fall back into a binge-eating mentality. The problem is that part of me loves it. Thats why I've gained weight in the first place, right? And I just don't have the willpower to make that part of me stop right now. I'm tired. But if I ever want to get anywhere, I need to make myself stop. I need to eat healthy foods, and eat in moderation. I need to be active.

Why do those words look like words of doom? I refuse to give up. I absolutely refuse. I don't want to be fat the rest of my life. I want to be thin and healthy. I want to have control over food, not the other way around. But I don't have energy to deal with it right now. Sorry.

2 areas:
Weight Loss/Health
Life accomplishments

Each area will include 5 goals:
1 Entire month goal
4 week-long goals (one for each week)
The last week will include 2 extra days

Ideally speaking, the 4 smaller goals should help you reach your month goal. Be reasonable in setting your goals, but also do something that will have to think about. No point in setting a goal that you would reach anyway, right?

Each area will also include a plan of sorts. For Weight Loss/Heath this should consist of a food plan and exercise plan that can be as specific or vague as you would like. For example, your food plan could be “I’m going to have X amount of calories per day, only eat organic foods, and eat at these times”. You can also have a plan that consists of “I’m going to be more conscious of my portions”. As for exercise, you could plan out what you are going to do every week, or decide to take the stairs for a month. Life goals are a little more vague. You could decide you want to keep a cleaner house, or get around to a project you’ve been putting off, or even decide you want to think more positively. You can do what you want as long as you have a plan.

In order to track your progress, please update either in blog (livejournal) or video (youtube) format. (I will be doing both, as I have communities on both sites). I suggest doing a beginning post on April 1, a weekly update (April 8, 15, 22) and an ending post (April 30).

Please let me know if you want to do this with me.

My personal Plan

Weight Loss/Health
Month Goal: Lose 10 pounds
Week 1 Goal: Drink 90 oz of water every day
Week 2 Goal: Eat 3 servings of veggies and fruit each day
Week 3 Goal: Work out at least 30 minutes on 5 days
Week 4 Goal:

Eating Plan:
My food plan is going to be primarily calorie based. I will range from 1500 to 1800 calories, depending on how much I will be working out on that day. I will aim to eat balanced meals, and not snack a lot. I would like to cut down on my sett/desert intake, but I will not give myself any restriction beyond “going easy on it”. I think that sticking to my calories will pretty much take care of it.

Exercise Plan:
I will work out at least 5 times per week. On days when I’m tired, I can do a shorter workout if I wish, but I will be active at least 5 times per week. I will push myself whenever I feel my body can handle it.


Life Accomplishments
Month Goal: Finish 1st editing of my novel
Week 1 Goal: Get to bed by midnight every night
Week 2 Goal: Finish all my homework
Week 3 Goal: Keep my room/space clean
Week 4 Goal: Spend at least 30 minutes a day on something special for myself

Life Plan:
One of my difficulties is procrastination. I don’t think I can eliminate it completely, at least a first. Therefore, my plan is to be conscious of when I am procrastinating, and what I can do to stop it at that point in time. I am also going to do what I need to in order to feel productive or accomplished in what I set out to do every day.

Note: if you are doing this please let me know so I can add you as a friend. Whats the point of doing this together if we don't stay in contact?

I have a fear of tanning beds. Well, I'm afraid of them breaking while I'm lying on them. I've been making myself go tanning for various cosmetic and health reasons, but I usually end up hopping out before the time is up. Not today! Sure, it was only 8 minutes, but I've never been able to stay in that long.

Sorry if that was random. I'm just really happy with myself right now.

I went pants shopping at Old Navy today. Usually clothes shopping is a bad experience, but I think it actually went pretty well. I found four pairs of pants that look good. Well, as good as they can for the size I am. But I'm trying not to dwell on that at this particular moment.

A new day, a new chance.

My goal for today: don't binge. If I can break this stupid cycle, I'll be golden.

best homework distraction in the world = boyfriend

And I caved. Stupid fucking me. And I'm still craving Pizza or something. And the thing is, I can totally see myself going to get a hot pocket or something if I'm done with work before the store is closed at midnight.

Whatever. I'm pissed, but I'm too tired to dwell on it. Too much homework to so. Why do I procrastinate? If I just got it done, maybe I wouldn't be stressed, and therefore wouldn't be stress eating.

At this rate I should have actually had dinner. Maybe I would be so ravenous now if I'd actually eaten.

I've looked almost every place I can think of. But I can't find the recovery disk for my computer anywhere.

I know, it seems stupid to be freaking out over a recovery disk when my computer is only a bit slow.

But I am. Nerdy me, I've been looking forward to this for so long. And now I can't find the disk? And what if its back in Portland? What if I left it there? That would be bad. Really bad.

But I can't stop myself from going into freak out mode, and thats a sure-fire way to binge. And after I've done so well for the past few days too.

I'm going to reinstall my operating system. Well, I'm going to reinstall Vista, and then also install a couple other operating systems. Just for fun.

I'm still in the backup stage of the opperation. I've backed up everything I can think of, but I feel like there is something I'm forgetting. Something vital. Once a wipe the system, everything goes away, so I have figure out whatever I'm forgetting. Soon.

After a month of waiting, it's finally here! It has a QWERTY keyboard and everything! I'm so happy right now!

I also got the software I need in order to rebuild my operating system, which I've been wanting to do for a few months now. I think I'm going to do a tri-boot, with Vista, Windows 7 and Linux. Yes, I'm a nerd. I improve my computer for fun. :P

I'm feeling slightly more normal now, but no more motivated to get my shit done.

Normal. Thats an odd concept. I'm overweight, like the average American. That is not normal. People aren't supposed to be that big. I take three pills a day, like millions of Americans. That shouldn't be normal either. However, I also like anime and am a bit of a computer nerd. Those things aren't normal. I feel more normal in my abnormalness. :)

I can't until tomorrow morning to see if I lost weight. I'm still sore from the gym. We have dubbed tomorrow our "sexy rest" day. lol. But I think I'm gonna kinda miss the gym.

I feel like nothing right now. I want to feel free. Free to be me. Free to be a person. But I feel nothing. It's not an unbearable nothing. Not like there is a hole in me that seeds filling. Just that there is nothing there. Nothing to be filled. Nothing to be worth doing anything for. And nothing to beat up about not doing enough.

Yet there I am, entirely too big, and I just keep eating shit. I want to right now. I really want to have a nugo dark bar. But I'm trying not to. I'll just be feeding to void.

I just came up with plans for a whole bunch of stuff I need to accomplish. I don't accomplish enough. I need to start almost getting high off accomplishing stuff.

Oh, right now I with I could get drunk, or high. I've only been each a total of once, but I felt so free when I was drunk, and I felt oddly normal when I was high. Like I was back to the way should be. More alive. It scared me at the time, but I wish I had it now. I didn't feel like eating then. I think I need to get a diet pill. Hopefully that will help with all this weight shit.

There are basically two things in my life that I need to fix. Well, two physical things. The first is my weight. The second is my karatosis pilaris, which I have all over my arms and legs, and a bit on my butt. Even if I had the body for a swimsuit, I couldn't wear one. I'd look too hideous. I hear tanning helps with that, so I'm going to start tanning. I'm a little worried, because I burn really easily. But I need to try this, I think. If that kp goes away, I'm hoping I'll feel a lot better about my chances of loosing weight.

God, so I'm so negative tonight. I'm sorry to whoever is reading this. It's just a shit load of ranting about nothing in particular. It's how my mind works. Free therapy. lol.

The sad part of it all is that a little part of me wishes I had an eating disorder. Or an acknowledged one. being diagnosed with dysthimic disorder after years of having symptoms helped a lot, it seemed. I definitely feel that I have disordered eating. I feel that I fit the symptoms of binge eating disorder. And part of me wishes that if I could end up with an eating disorder, why did I have to end up with one that makes me fat? I have two modes, it seems. Binging/overeating and eating practically nothing. There is no healthy medium for me. And it's uber frustrating. I'm not saying I want to be skinny overnight. Thats would be great, but what I really want is to be able to be a size 10. A know, still huge, but at least I'd be able to shop at normal stores. I think some part of me would be able to accept being fat then.

B: soy latte - 130 cals
L: 1 cup carrots and 6 tbsp. fat free ranch - 140 cals
Snack: Mango peach Smoothie - 90 cals; Fat free pudding cup - 70 cals
D: ???
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430 so far

I was going to do a one day liquid fast, but I really wanted the carrots. They're healthy, but I ended up eating a lot. But now I'm full, and can just get on with my day.

I found a place on campus that makes 90 cal mango and peach smoothies. All juice and fruit, no sugar added. I'm probably going to have one for snack around 3:30.

Edit: I was kinda on the past of a mini binge. I really wanted more food after the pudding cup. But then I got a text message from one of my texting buddies, and it made me think about what I was doing. How I don't want to do this. I don't want to have to tell people I'm failing. So I stopped.

I also added what I ate for snack.